I have a few significant moments--or experiences--in my life. I often look back and think about how circumstance has brought about events that made a significant impact on my life. I worked at a Girl Scout camp for a summer and it left an imprint on me that I will have forever. If I had not shared that with some pretty amazing people, it may not have been as memorable or life changing as I remember it to be.

Have you ever thought about what if you hadn't met certain people or done certain things, where you would be today? If I hadn't been focused on attending a party school I may not have gone to IUP (yeah, I was really driven). If I hadn't gone to IUP, I wouldn't have met my soul sisters--friends in my life that really get me. I wouldn't have met my best friend, Amy, who I feel like I couldn't live without.

If I hadn't had a really dark period in my life where I felt lost, had no direction of where my life was to go, felt smothered by the situations surrounding my parents' divorce, or just broke off a very intense relationship I may not have felt so strongly that I had to leave Pittsburgh. If I hadn't left and gone to school in Buffalo, I would not have met Kyle. Where would I be without Kyle? I can't even imagine my world without him.

I have always felt there was a reason for everything. I have believed it from my inner core. But now...now I just don't believe that everything happens for a reason. [As I just typed that Kyle came over and gave me a kiss...how can I not believe he is a gift to me?] I don't believe this because I cannot imagine a good enough reason that my baby died. And don't try to tell me otherwise because it will get ugly and messy. Maybe this is just where I am in my journey. Maybe I will feel differently later on. But right now, right now there is nothing that you can say to me that will make me feel like that should have happened.

Just a little FYI, if you don't know what to say....just say "how are you". If I feel like talking about it, I will. If I don't, I will change the subject quickly. If I do feel like talking about it, just listen. Don't talk back. Nothing you can say will make me feel better, even though I know that is all you want to do. But if you don't ask me, I'll feel like it wasn't important enough for you to feel like you should ask. I know it's a fine line, but bear with me because I need your support.

If you ask me today, "how are you" I will shrug my shoulders and say "good". My eyes will tell you otherwise. That pain is still there and it doesn't come up as often and I don't think about it all day, but it's still there. I don't have much to add. I don't have any new feelings besides what I just wrote. And who wants to hear that..."how are you?" "Well, I don't believe things happen for a reason so it's all just kind up in the air right now. And you?"

Ick...I know how this sounds. I know those who love me will be concerned. Don't be. This is where I'm at right now. And that's all I can be.