On my little bookshelf (right hand side of blog) I've added a new book: A New Earth Awakening to Your Life's Purpose. When Oprah did this book as her book club choice, I really wanted to join in. I got the book from the library and even tuned in briefly to the first webcast. However, I just didn't feel ready to get into heavy reading. I have not been a consistent reader for several years now and being a little out of the loop I was...a little fearful, I guess.

Lately, we have been visiting the library about once a week as a family. I had always wanted to do this, but I was worried about the noise the kids would make and it just never seemed to fit in. Well really, I didn't make much of an effort to fit it in. The past 3 weeks or so has been a wonderful experience for all of us. Last week, I saw A New Earth sitting on the shelf and I said to myself, "alright, let's give it another go." And it sat on my bookshelf at home for about a week. Finally, I just decided to go for it and give it a try.

I opened up the book, glanced at the first chapter and decided to skip it. It didn't look that important and thought I could just jump right into the nitty-gritty. However, as I looked at the first sentence of the 2nd chapter I decided...maybe I should read the first, just in case. And I'm so glad I did.

The first chapter is a bit theoretical and not as tangible as the following chapters, but it spoke to me. I could identify and relate to the thoughts in a way I have never been able to before. In Oprah speak, I had one "aha" moment after the next. I felt a release, an understanding, and an openness that I have not felt in a long time. So far, it has really changed my view.

I have been searching for something...doesn't it seem like so many of us are? Why is it that I read so many of the same topics, discussions, and issues amongst so many people? Why is it when you read my archives you find the same themes circling around and around? I struggle with keeping up with everything as a mom, wife, and employee. I am frustrated when I can't get it all done with the cleaning, and the cooking, and the baking, and spending time with my children. I am constantly on the quest to live a healthy lifestyle, including making healthy foods for my family and exercising. A topic I don't write much about has been my unrest with spirituality. I don't subscribe to any one religion, but have more of a world view. I approach religions with an open mind, an acceptance of all beliefs, but have struggled to define exactly what this means in my life as well as how will I pass essential values and morals on to my children. My job is a great job and I relish the flexibility it provides. There are many things I greatly enjoy about it, but I can't bring myself to say I love it. I appreciate everything it provides for me, but have always felt a need to make a difference in the world. I have always wanted to help people, specifically children, and I get very little to no satisfaction in this area with my current position. I wonder over and over again, do I continue in my current state because of the convenience it affords me or do I try to move on to something I truly love and not just like?

It feels like I work on maybe one or two areas of my life, but haven't been able to "conquer" all or any of them. The battle starts to fade and I move on to the next issue until it all comes full circle and I start again. Is this what my life is meant to be? I really don't want to spend the rest of it circling in the same spot and never finding the answers. What about this,

"Instead of asking what I want from life, ask what does life want from me"

Hmmm...yes, I think I felt that way once before and I forgot about it. What does life want from me? I've already gotten a couple answers--thank you, life. I'll keep listening.

Yesterday, we went to a new library (to us) and drove down a long road along the river we haven't been down in a long time. It was a truly enjoyable experience, yet simple. Just a normal event. I had conversations with my husband, interactions with my children, and it was normal yet, different. We went to my in-laws house to celebrate my husband and brother in-law's birthdays. I wasn't feeling well, but wanted to be with the family so I went anyway. Again, so glad I did. I was more open and because of the release I had felt from reading the book, had a much more agreeable presence. How do I say this without sounding like a jerk? This is hard to admit, so hang in there with me 'til the end. Sometimes when I spend time with certain people, I walk in to an event with...a status quo of almost crabbiness, I guess. Sometimes I can just be disagreeable without reason. It just resides there, lying underneath the surface. Nothing that is said or done can snap me out of it. I am aware of it, ashamed of it, but still it sits there because I don't know what to do with it. Those feelings were gone yesterday. I was able to engage people with no prior thoughts or attachments. I could take what they had to say and to give to me at that time and appreciate all that it was, for what it was. And for the most part, all that my friends and family have to give to me is love. I guess this is what they mean by "being present".

I have heard this many times before "it's important to be present". So, I recall sitting in my livingroom with my kids, trying to be present. I would shut out all the extraneous thoughts of work, or getting things done, or whatever else was running through my mind. I would sit there and take it all in. But not really. I was trying to let go of the to do list, but I still had all the prior emotional attachments. Even though I stopped the distraction of thoughts, that layer of emotion was still present and essentially, blinding. I didn't get it. I have always tried to put myself in a present state--appreciate the kids being young, appreciate this beautiful day, appreciate this time with your family. Appreciate? Yes, I had that down. But really present? I only just scratched the surface.