Make that a hot fudge sundae. This definitely calls for a hot fudge sundae. I spent the morning in the ER at the request of my OB's office. I called them simply because I had questions about some very, very light bleeding and very, very slight cramping. ER?! Can't I just come in to the office? I didn't even ask because I already knew the answer. My dr's office doesn't have a sonogram machine so all of that is done at the hospital. I went in and acted as if I was just going for another dr appointment even though my hands were shaking uncontrollably.

I didn't have to wait too long (maybe an hour) until I got the ultrasound done. The tech's name is Ashleigh and she has done at least one sonogram for me, I think it was Mikaela. She apologized a couple times and said they don't allow her to tell me any news. I told her she is better off that way and not have to tell people bad news. She also apologized for having to do an internal sonogram. I accepted her apology. On the way out she said, "good luck." I didn't like the tone of her voice.

I then got parked in the hallway waiting for a ride back to my ER room. As I have always expected, it is very demeaning to be half naked parked in a hallway as people pass by. Especially when I can walk to the room myself.

Ashleigh said it would only take about 15 min to read the sonogram. I waited and a half hour passed by. A nurse came to move me out of the room because apparently it was "crazy" out there and they needed the machines that I was not using. Parked in the hallway again, but this time I had a flimsy little curtain that they left half open. There was a newborn baby somewhere in my wing. I could hear it crying and I imagined soothing and cuddling it. He/She and the mother came by my parking spot to have an Xray done (in front of my spot). It was a tiny, cute little thing.

More time goes by and I asked the nurse how long she thought it might be since it had been 45 minutes and Ashleigh assured me 15 minutes. She said they hadn't gotten results yet. I have the ears of a bat when I have nothing but a curtain to stare at (I got tired of passers by staring at me so I shut my curtain completely). I wasn't completely sure (since I was nowhere near the nurse's station) but I thought I heard my OB's name mentioned. She was on the phone. I didn't think about it much, I just wished they would hurry up and let me go. Then I imagined, what if it were bad news? Would they tell me in the hallway? Would the ER doc have to come in to my curtain area and have his butt hang out the back? If they moved me I would already know why they were moving me. I just laid back and tried to rest a bit.

The nurse came and moved me again and said my OB was here. (Background on my OB: first her office is directly next to the hospital, second, she grew up with my cousin and has delivered both of my kids. She's awesome). I saw her and knew that 1) they are moving me 2) she is here. My face turned red and I could feel the tears. She asked me a couple things and looked at the report. The baby was measuring 9 weeks, but they could not find the heartbeat. She assured me that it was a chromosomal thing and not anything that I did. She then gave me my options 1) do a D & C right away 2) wait a few days, do another ultrasound 3) wait a few days and schedule the D & C later in the week. She said that she did not want to give me false hope and that at 9 weeks they should have been able to find the heartbeat. If it were 6 weeks then she would question it. I told her that I know I ovulate at a wacky time. I ovulate really late and know that I conceived almost a month after my last period. I said I wanted to wait. I will have another sonogram on Thursday and some blood work done. Which, by the way, she said that my blood work looked good, she did an exam and my cervix is closed (good). There is still very minor bleeding and not much cramping going on. So, we will see.

I may sound ok with this. I am not, but I feel better writing about it. I really don't want to talk to anyone on the phone, at least until we know more. I have a small amount of hope, but I'm not going to kid myself either. Which kind of puts me in the middle right now. Sad, but hopeful. So, if you could send a few prayers my way--whatever kind of prayer you do--I would certainly be appreciative. I will keep you posted, but as I feel like I am doing some sort of emotional balancing act right now you may not hear from me again until after the ultrasound.

I know it seems that my posts have been few and far between because, well, they have. This week my mom came to town on Tuesday night and my brother and sister in law got here on Thursday. We had a baby shower for them yesterday, so it has been a long but very fun and fulfilling week! I always get excited when family comes to town, especially my mom. I wish more than anything that she lived here (how's that for a guilt trip?!) and have been trying to talk her into it as long as I've been here myself. I have plans to buy the empty lot behind us (close to the water!) and build a retirement home for her and my step-dad. I think that would be so fun for the kids to have Ya-Ya in their backyard! We would absolutely love it. However, I also have plans to put two additions on my house, put the kids through college, pay off my own student loan, take at least one trip to Europe, travel across the US every summer in an RV, and...oh yeah, buy a boat. I had better start at least playing the lottery.

On the pregnancy front I have had prenatal insomnia as I have had with both of my previous pregnancies. It sucks. Not as much as puking, I'm sure, but it is my own little slice of hell. I'm tired, believe me, and I can't get to sleep just fine. But, either some noise wakes me up or I have some crazy, vivid pregnancy dream and wake up on my own at about 1-2am until 5am. You would think that one would get bored that whole time, but my mind is racing. I try to actually meditate myself back to sleep. Here's my technique: picture nothing but blackness, deep slow breathing, and sometimes when my mind really will just not shut up and I have to "ohm" myself to sleep. Usually by the third "ohm" my mind continues to wander. And my favorite thoughts are running the numbers. Any kind of numbers will do--bills, income, daycare rates, daycare days, number of days I can take off on my maternity leave, number of months it will take me to pay off our credit card, van, student loan...yep, I run them all. In my previous pregnancies I would fall asleep by about 5am and wake up at 6-6:30 and be exhausted. I would have the hardest time dragging myself out of bed. This time around--at least so far--I wake up on my own and feel ok. It's all quite strange. I've tried every trick in the book but nothing helps. I have not resorted to any kind of sleeping pill, although with Mikaela it got so bad that the dr approved a half a pill for me. I never took it though.

Food is really a hit or miss. Thursday I was dying for my mom's lasagna that was planned for Friday. Friday rolled around and I wanted nothing to do with it. The Oreos are long gone and will not be seen in this house again, but I have moved on to a new cookie: Fig Newtons. They remind me of being and kid and they are so awesomely good. I don't ever want to eat a whole row of them so I'm safe. But listen to this, there is some leftover chocolate cake sitting in my kitchen. I have not eaten it all day nor do I want any tonight. That is so unlike me.

Oh, so I had a point to telling you about my insomnia although this is just a rambling boring post. I sometimes think of great things to write about while I am laying in bed. I plan it all out, say the words in my head, and then here I am and I have no idea what I was thinking. oh well, I'm sure I'll be thinking about it again tonight.