Make that a hot fudge sundae. This definitely calls for a hot fudge sundae. I spent the morning in the ER at the request of my OB's office. I called them simply because I had questions about some very, very light bleeding and very, very slight cramping. ER?! Can't I just come in to the office? I didn't even ask because I already knew the answer. My dr's office doesn't have a sonogram machine so all of that is done at the hospital. I went in and acted as if I was just going for another dr appointment even though my hands were shaking uncontrollably.

I didn't have to wait too long (maybe an hour) until I got the ultrasound done. The tech's name is Ashleigh and she has done at least one sonogram for me, I think it was Mikaela. She apologized a couple times and said they don't allow her to tell me any news. I told her she is better off that way and not have to tell people bad news. She also apologized for having to do an internal sonogram. I accepted her apology. On the way out she said, "good luck." I didn't like the tone of her voice.

I then got parked in the hallway waiting for a ride back to my ER room. As I have always expected, it is very demeaning to be half naked parked in a hallway as people pass by. Especially when I can walk to the room myself.

Ashleigh said it would only take about 15 min to read the sonogram. I waited and a half hour passed by. A nurse came to move me out of the room because apparently it was "crazy" out there and they needed the machines that I was not using. Parked in the hallway again, but this time I had a flimsy little curtain that they left half open. There was a newborn baby somewhere in my wing. I could hear it crying and I imagined soothing and cuddling it. He/She and the mother came by my parking spot to have an Xray done (in front of my spot). It was a tiny, cute little thing.

More time goes by and I asked the nurse how long she thought it might be since it had been 45 minutes and Ashleigh assured me 15 minutes. She said they hadn't gotten results yet. I have the ears of a bat when I have nothing but a curtain to stare at (I got tired of passers by staring at me so I shut my curtain completely). I wasn't completely sure (since I was nowhere near the nurse's station) but I thought I heard my OB's name mentioned. She was on the phone. I didn't think about it much, I just wished they would hurry up and let me go. Then I imagined, what if it were bad news? Would they tell me in the hallway? Would the ER doc have to come in to my curtain area and have his butt hang out the back? If they moved me I would already know why they were moving me. I just laid back and tried to rest a bit.

The nurse came and moved me again and said my OB was here. (Background on my OB: first her office is directly next to the hospital, second, she grew up with my cousin and has delivered both of my kids. She's awesome). I saw her and knew that 1) they are moving me 2) she is here. My face turned red and I could feel the tears. She asked me a couple things and looked at the report. The baby was measuring 9 weeks, but they could not find the heartbeat. She assured me that it was a chromosomal thing and not anything that I did. She then gave me my options 1) do a D & C right away 2) wait a few days, do another ultrasound 3) wait a few days and schedule the D & C later in the week. She said that she did not want to give me false hope and that at 9 weeks they should have been able to find the heartbeat. If it were 6 weeks then she would question it. I told her that I know I ovulate at a wacky time. I ovulate really late and know that I conceived almost a month after my last period. I said I wanted to wait. I will have another sonogram on Thursday and some blood work done. Which, by the way, she said that my blood work looked good, she did an exam and my cervix is closed (good). There is still very minor bleeding and not much cramping going on. So, we will see.

I may sound ok with this. I am not, but I feel better writing about it. I really don't want to talk to anyone on the phone, at least until we know more. I have a small amount of hope, but I'm not going to kid myself either. Which kind of puts me in the middle right now. Sad, but hopeful. So, if you could send a few prayers my way--whatever kind of prayer you do--I would certainly be appreciative. I will keep you posted, but as I feel like I am doing some sort of emotional balancing act right now you may not hear from me again until after the ultrasound.