Kyle had a late meeting today and the kids were at his parents house, so they just stayed there for dinner. I have a rare quiet moment mid-evening and I turned on one of my recorded Oprah's that I have been trying to catch up on. I am watching the story of the woman who made a documentary "Crazy, Sexy Cancer" and I've heard of it somewhere before. This woman is inspiring. She is smiling and her smile makes her beautiful. She is glowing with hope and practices living in the present. I'm watching her make her green veggie juice for breakfast and talk to Dr Oz about how we're all going to die, and she may very well die from cancer, but right now she is enjoying some good company and chopping onions. I so envy that ability to live in the present. In that spirit, I decided to blog. I had to come upstairs to my power cord and sitting down, I can see out the windows to the backyard. We have a beautiful view of the trees, the lake and the sun happens to be setting right now. It is even that much more inspirational. I'll just ignore the 2 flies buzzing in the skylight :)

I've been thinking about cancer a lot lately.

I'm watching this woman enjoy life. I can't say that I don't enjoy life, but lately it seems like I really have to try hard to enjoy it. It shouldn't be so hard. When I am with my kids, I have always tried to be present with them and not think about what else I should be/could be doing. They deserve my full attention. Unfortunately, it hasn't been that way lately. Like so many people, I don't feel like I give enough attention to my marriage either. It's so easy to just believe that those relationships will be ok because you all love each other--but I know better than that. I know that I need to make an effort to make those relationships meaningful. I definitely feel like I need to stop getting caught up in the everyday things of life, and start enjoying the moments of life.

I'm not one to stay home and do laundry when I could be doing something fun. But, when you don't have any clean underwear--or in my case--your clean underwear is sitting on the deck soaking wet because you hung it out to dry (no gas line for the dryer yet) and forgot to bring it in when it started to rain...sometimes you just have to do things to function in our society! At this point, it just seems like we don't have time to do anything but the "have to's". It's times like these that I savor the small moments. I clearly remember--and this brings tears to my eyes--very emotional today for some reason--anyway, clearly remember when I was pregnant with Mikaela I was home with Cameron one day. I had been cleaning or whatever I was doing and stopped to see what Cameron was up to. Somehow I started tickling him and we were laughing and rolling around on the floor and all I could think of was--how could I possibly be doing anything else in the world right now? Nothing else mattered at that point in time. I was having the time of my life, just sharing a moment with Cameron. And then the moment passed, as they always do, and I went back to doing my thing and he went back to doing his. It came and passed quickly, but it filled me up. At that time, I was often struggling with being the best part-time stay at home/part-time career mom. The balancing act was difficult for me. It still is, but I think there is just so much going on in our lives these days that I don't have time to worry about that right now.

So, back to Crazy Sexy Cancer...I can't worry about being the best whatever--I just have to be. Am I happy now? If not, do something to change that. (never really had a problem with that part of it) If I am happy...just be. I have to remind myself not to look around and say--could I be happier--should I be happier. I have to just be, just live, just love.

If you found out you have stage 4 cancer (there is no stage 5...) would you be happy with who you are? I have some work to do on that. Specifically, being honest about my feelings--no matter how difficult that is for me. Remembering what is important: family and friends (same thing to me) and enjoying those little moments with them. Everything else will just fall in place.